Loft Beds Provide Low-Cost Alternative to Mile-High Club

by Christine Politte

USC Village — Sophomore Jacob Winschel may not have an eighteen thousand horsepower engine, a highly trained crew, or even a pilot’s license. But he’s confident the ladies will recognize that his loft bed in Irani Residential College is the next best thing.

Ever since realizing he could raise his bed 5 feet off the ground, Winschel has been touting his “budget-friendly trips” to girls, offering to take them to “previously unknown heights”.

“Name one thing an airplane has that I don’t,” said Winschel, pilot wings proudly pinned to his collar. “With all the extra space I have plenty of room for snacks. There’s the thrill of never knowing if my roommate might walk in on us. Plus, there’s a great view, if I do say so myself.”

After financial constraints kept one junior grounded for Labor Day, she decided to take Winschel up on his offer.

“It was fine until he offered me a tiny bag of peanuts and asked if I minded if he wore his pilot uniform,” said the woman, who asked that her name be withheld out of embarrassment. “I was drunk, but I wasn’t that drunk.”

Winschel, who asked to be called “Captain,” is confident that his next “passenger” will be totally satisfied with her experience.

“I’m willing to put up with any amount of baggage a girl might bring,” winked Winschel. “Plus there’s no risk of ‘delays,’ if you know what I mean. I’d like to see Southwest match that offer!”

Southwest Airlines declined to comment, except to say that they expect they’ll still be in business long after he’s finished.