Area Woman Can’t Hear Date Over Ticking of Biological Clock

by Kim Rogers

LOS ANGELES, CA– No matter how close she leaned in, area woman Martha Pratt couldn’t make out the words of the man sitting across from her at a local Cheddar’s Friday night. Nodding with a polite smile, Pratt struggled to hear her date’s voice above the ticking of her biological clock.

“I see his lips moving, but it’s hard to focus with ‘ticktock, ticktock’ ringing in my ears,” said Pratt, who recently mourned a 35th birthday. “One minute he’s boring me with his retro video game collection and the next, my ovaries are screaming ‘these eggs ain’t gonna hatch themselves. Mama needs a rooster!’”

Pratt has found the phenomenon worsens when scrolling through the Facebook pages of her married friends, and after phone calls with her grandmother. The bodily countdown serves as yet another reminder that many members of her high school class will send their children to first grade next year.

“Women can feel pressure to settle down after their twenties. That stress can sometimes lead to physical symptoms,” explained family physician, Dr. Jaime Rodriguez. “But, let’s be real, those puppies have an expiration date.”

Cutting into her eggplant parmigiana, Pratt could barely get out the details of her successful marketing career before the beat of impending fruitlessness filled her eardrums. Despite lowering her standards a record three times this month in hopes of a cure, she’s had little romantic success.

At press time, Pratt’s date declined to comment, explaining he didn’t want her to think things were “going anywhere.”