Rampant Stomach Virus Goes Undetected in New North Because Barfing All Night Is Normal There

by Matt Hanisch

USC — The norovirus, which has infected 103 students since October 26, causes vomiting, nausea, and diarrhea for extended periods of time. Unfortunately, so does living in New North, which is why the norovirus went largely unnoticed in the New North freshman dorms. Residents did not think to report instances of students throwing up constantly for most of the night because that’s a regular occurrence for them.

“We were just talking in the halls, and there were people throwing up all around us,” said freshman Trevor Pohlman. “We didn’t think anything of it. That’s just a regular Tuesday in New North.”

The administration did not think much of the excessive vomiting either. When asked about the delayed response to the widespread illness, the University responded, “Well, we… Oh come on, it’s New North. What were we supposed to think? That place is already home to some of the nastiest creatures ever to inhabit USC. What’s one more stomach bug?”

The Vice President of Student Affairs eventually sent out a Health Advisory report with helpful tips on how to avoid catching the illness: “Wash your hands, clean infected surfaces thoroughly, and for God’s sake, just stay away from New North.”

Unfortunately, the health center did not release this memo while the virus remained isolated in New North. Only after the sickness spread to Webb and Parkside did the Engemann Student Health Center Administration release its official statement: “Oh shit, this is serious.”