Treasury Makes 3/5ths Compromise, Puts Harriet Tubman on $12 Bill

by Thomas Marshall

US TREASURY — A nationwide poll was conducted recently, and abolitionist Harriet Tubman was chosen to be the new face of the $20 bill. This seemingly innocuous decision was however met with great controversy.

Donald Trump and Ben Carson weighed in on the issue, stating that the treasury should “just put that broad on the two dollar bill.”

After considerable internal debate, the treasury finally reached an internal solution to compromise between the two dissenting groups.

Jack Lew, US Secretary of the Treasury explained the decision: “We decided to reach a fair compromise between the two groups of about 3/5ths and create a whole new denomination of currency, and place Tubman on her own separate, but equal, $12 bill, keeping Jackson on the 20. We really think this will make everyone happy.”

Printing of this new bill will begin later this year, and should be in circulation by 2017. The decision for what will be on the back of the new $12 bill has not been decided yet.

“We hope to have something highlighting the other side of American slavery, such as a plantation, confederate flag, or a portrait of any white man,” Lew concluded, “To really keep all of this fair and balanced.”