Roski School to Be Leveled, Making Way for Marshall School Country Club

by Chad Lonski

USC — The USC board of campus planning and development announced plans to level the Roski School of Art and Design to make way for the new Marshall School of Business Country Club. Expected to host all amenities for future donors to the university, the Marshall School Country Club is expected to make the best use of the space.

County Club Committee member Sir. Edmond Rutherford released a statement about the Roski School:

“The previous homeless encampment/co-op was meant to foster free expression and artistic discovery. The property, was no more than an abstract wasteland of nightmarish sculpture and postmodernist garbage. The understated ladies and gentlemen of the Marshall School will add a touch of respectability and decorum to this corner of the campus, as it took us months to strip away all of the depravity and filth the Roski school left behind.”

It will be here that Marshall students can grow out of their “younger and more vulnerable years.” The future establishment will offer reprieve from the stresses and difficulties of business students’ lives, allowing students the opportunity to converse and partake in leisurely activities with other future captains of industry.

There will be a 9 hole pitch and putt, a skeet shooting range, and polo grounds on the new site. There will also be a full service bar serving the finest spirits available, and a full service bistro.

The club will host an ornate social calendar featuring regatta retreats, seersucker Sundays, and wine wafting Wednesdays among other esteemed traditions. The dress code, of course, will be coat and tie to keep Viterbi School of Engineering students at bay, as club rules will explicitly state: “No tie, no Brooks Brothers, no admittance.”

The Marshall School also had plans to convert the Thornton School of Music into a Racquet Club until musicians agreed to perform for the new Marshall Country Club’s various soirees, fundraisers, and debutante balls.

Currently the Marshall school is in search of coastal property to expand with a Yacht Club and have looked into such coastal sites as UCLA, LMU and Pepperdine, all of which would have lowered the esteemed image of the Marshall School according to Sir. Rutherford; so the search is still in progress.