USC’s Associate Vice Provost of International Ventures announced last Tuesday the university’s commitment to helping 500 refugees of war-torn Syria. Welcoming the move, he praised the cooperative effort, “We cannot downplay the tremendous generosity the Financial Aid Office has shown in making this initiative possible. Many costs are involved in educating our students and all attempts have been made to keep the costs of education for the refugees low.”
After the scholarships have been accounted for, the refugees will only be expected to pay fees for health services, classes in American Studies, and other fun activities. “All together, we can offer the low, low price of $32,264 per refugee!”
“We’ll also be charging a discounted rate of $2,633 per semester in Refuge Estates, our new on-campus makeshift tent city. It will be entirely self-sustainable, since the administration just plans to ignore maintenance after the refugees move in.”
The original plan was for the new students to reside at Leavey Library during off hours, but real estate scouts found that there were enough students already sleeping there.
Additionally, USC Hospitality announced plans to begin serving UN Humanitarian rations of boiled wheat and applesauce at EVK, a change many students describe as a “significant upgrade” from the usual options.
Classes on American (gun) culture, calories with a big C, and how to fake it ‘til you make it will assist with combating culture shock: “Ideally the refugee welcome week will aim to ensure the Syrian Refugees: Class of ‘19 will be at no disadvantage to their non-refuge seeking classmates.”
Speaking from a camp in Lebanon, future student Liliane Abadi voiced her excitement over her expected arrival. “I may be paying off student loans for the rest of my life, but at least the G.E.s are rigorous.”
At press time, President Nikias remembered that international students were not qualified for scholarships, and subsequently reinstated $45,000 tuition for all refugees.