by Rob Smat
USC School of Cinema– This week, tragedy struck the USC School of Cinema, and film schools nationwide: the final production company name, Clockwork Productions, was taken by local film students, completely exhausting available names for production companies. The newest freshmen to the School of Cinema, eager to begin building their own production companies and taking over the school by October, will have to put their plans on hold.
“We were so ready to make a name for our production company,” noted Stan Wilkes, a freshman new to the Bryan Singer Division of Critical Studies, “and then we realized: there was nothing left. It had all been done before.”
Sources confirmed that Stan’s previous ideas for names, as follows, had all been taken: Black Hat Productions, Ambulance Graveyard Films, Universal Studios, Bad Hat Harry Productions, and Bad Robot, to name a few.
“I just wanted some cool name to call a thing, which should be registered as an LLC, but in reality, will remain a Facebook page indefinitely!” bemoaned Mr. Wilkes.
Stan noted his main inspirations for names originated from combinations of household appliances, colors, and obscure post-classical cinema. “I wanted a blend between quirky, original, weird, profitable, recognizable, and profound and funny and profitable. Is that too much to ask?”
Even when Stan – and others like him – turned to desperate measures, those contingencies failed too. “We just started throwing together letters and numbers, even non-Arabic numerals. Nothing worked!” Even production company names like SB124 productions, IP Address 188.8.131.522 productions, and even Εις το Πλοιον productions had all been taken.
Stan and the others filmmakers like him have begun to seek other options: “I could just use my own name to mark my work, but I’d rather have some cool sounding company name rather than give potential employers ease in finding me. So we are beginning to look to the past.”
At press time, Stan and his friends were discussing a reboot of the outdated 20th Century Fox namesake.