Prestige Vodka Shocked That People Use Their Product for Anything Other Than Industrial or Medical Purposes

by Thomas Marshall

As the school year begins, USC students are once again thrust into the world of binge drinking the cheapest alcoholic substances they can find, namely the dangerously inexpensive Prestige Vodka.

This past Monday, Prestige, the company behind Southern California’s notorious plastic handles of alcohol were shocked and appalled to learn that college students and humans in general have been using their product for anything other than medical or industrial purposes.

In a press conference, Ted Ways, President and CEO of Prestige stated that he and his company were shocked at the news that people were actually ingesting their product. Saying “We had no idea anyone in their right mind would actually think it was healthy or advisable to drink alcohol from a two liter plastic container. We developed Prestige Vodka to be used as a highly effective medical disinfectant and industrial cleaner.” He went on to add “For Christ’s sake, this shit is used to strip the paint off of yachts, are you kids insane?”

In response to this disturbing news, bottles of Prestige will now include a large and clearly visible warning that says “for medical and industrial use only” a warning that will undoubtedly do nothing to stop its consumption by underage students at parties.

The makers of Natural Light Beer were too hungover to be reached for comment.