by Andy Gause
THE ROW– In a saddening event for the University, the International Criminal Court has charged Phil Bernstein, a dog psychology Junior, with crimes against humanity for his impersonation of Austin Powers at a recent frat event. The impersonation has been called “an abomination, a horror, and unacceptable for maintaining peace in our modern world” by Mr. Roland Harris, representative from the International Criminal Court.
The incident took place on Saturday at Sir Drinks A Lot, a medieval themed fraternity event. Mr. Bernstein allegedly used the impersonation following a fraternity brother’s attempt to impersonate the fictional gangster Ali G.
Mr. Bernstein then unleashed the Austin Powers character on the unsuspecting crowd by shouting, “yeah baby, yeah,” “you make me randy baby” and “shag-alicious baby,” the last of which was not uttered in the film.
The impersonation was met with immediate horror by local onlookers. Some sorority members in attendance puked out their Slim-fasts and jungle juice.
Mr. Bernstein tried to salvage the catastrophe by jumping into an impersonation of Fat Bastard, another character from the sixteen-year-old film. However, his Scottish fat-guy accent only made the situation worse.
Thankfully, nearby fraternity brothers subdued Mr. Bernstein and contacted local authorities. Moments later, DPS officers arrived at the scene and helped ease the survivor’s pain with blankets, coffee, and sugar-free Jell-O shots.
Mr. Bernstein is currently in custody by the Los Angeles Police Department. Friends and fraternity brother describe Mr. Bernstein as a quiet ‘dude’ who mainly kept to himself.
James Kirkland, one of Mr. Bernstein’s fraternity brother and a philosophy sophomore, told reporters, “I never thought Bernstein was capable of something like this. You think you know a guy and then he does something like this. One second you’re playing extreme beer pong with the guy and the next he’s committing unspeakable horrors. Not chill, totally not chill.”
It is unclear whether Mr. Bernstein will appear before the International Criminal Court in The Hague. The United States is one of only three countries that have signed the Vienna Convention on the Law of Treaties, but are not a party member of the courts. Therefore, they do not have to hand over investigations to the ICC for crimes committed on US soil. It is up to President Obama to decide how to treat the incident.
Many believe Obama should give Mr. Bernstein over to The Hague, while others think it would be best to prosecute him here in the United States.
In recent years, the President has taken a hardline stance against terrible, outdated impersonations. In 2010, the President sent Jafar Al-Muhammad of Pakistan to Guantanamo Bay for a particularly devastating Urkel impersonation that killed nearly a dozen people’s buzz, including women and children. Many believe the President will not send Mr. Bernstein to Guantanamo because Mr. Bernstein is an American citizen, and white.