Haughty Freshman Pridefully Declines Opportunity for Free Food

by Rob Smat

MCCARTHY QUAD, USC — Oh, the folly of man. Specifically one man: Arnoz Curry, biomedical engineering major, varsity swim team redshirt, and one prideful SOB.

Curry’s gushing geyser of condescension began with a flier posted to his dorm door, it allegedly said: MCCARTHY DE-STRESS FEST / THIS THURSDAY / FREE FOOD. (Editor’s note: The flier’s message has been reported through speculation because it was soon torn to shreds by rampaging frat pledges.)

Curry laughed in the face of such generosity: “Who cares? I don’t need free food. I’ve got the unlimited dining plan. I’m set for life!” Curry proceeded to whip out a hundred dollar bill and light it on fire, just to watch it burn. As Curry watched the delicate legal tender incinerate before his eyes, he couldn’t help but wonder if such luxury would last forever.

It won’t.

Come sophomore year, Curry will find himself reduced from 350+ to a mere 40 dining hall swipes, if he’s even that lucky. He will forever regret those fleeting days he neglected to partake in donated dinners and bestowed brunches. That contemned Chipotle chimichanga will haunt him to his end.

But for now, our friend Arnoz continues to live a life of opulence. He was last seen taking for granted his second ice cream cone today.