Skymall Closes, Ending All Hopes of Ever Being Happy

by Sasha Voth

Above: Heroes get remembered.  But legends never die.

What the actual f***.

Three times a year I book an airplane flight months in advance.

I wait in endless lines while watching those entitled pricks in the VIP line shoot ahead of me.

I let the TSA violate and manhandle me to “protect” us from terrorists.

I wait patiently for my boarding number, so I can walk past all those pricks in first class sipping champagne to my crunched up economy seat invariably stuck between a fat dude and the mom with her baby.

And my one solace is being able to look at all the awesome stuff I’ll never be able to afford in Skymall magazine.  I love it.

A voice recognition grocery list organizer magnet?  Yes please.  Those cool Lord of the Rings replica swords?  One day.   A metal personal head massager?  Why not?  I’m worth it.

So I, like most, was shocked to hear that this groundbreaking company was filing for bankruptcy and closing.  How will I ever be able to enjoy the inevitable wealth and splendor to come from writing satire articles if I don’t have a Skymall to spend it on?

I won’t.  That’s the reality.  This blows.

My only wish is that I could have become a multimillionaire faster, to reap the benefits of a household full of Skymall products.  At least I’ll always have infomercials.