After Yesterday’s Confrontation, Nikias Replaces Hospitality Workers With USG Members

by Jori Barash

This week brought news of the ongoing conflict between the university and campus workers, as both sides try to negotiate the next 5-year conflict. University officials and students alike are unsure what to do when hospitality employees can’t afford rent and the cost of higher education is constantly spiraling upwards.

Speaking on behalf of the university, Vice President of Internal Outreach David Sprague suggested yesterday afternoon that University Student Government officeholders shoulder the burden of campus cleanliness.

“Hey, USG makes almost as much money, and no one has to worry about whether they can afford health insurance or Lorenzo rent. After SCALE ambushed — I mean, distracted — President Nikias for 90 seconds today, we’re basically in the red. That’s $17 of his salary!”

Sprague went on to lay out a standardized course of action. Starting next Monday, USG’s president, treasurer, and senate will join representatives from Facilities Management, Hospitality, and Housing to clean Pardee and Parkside. University administration hopes the developing process can be used as a bargaining chip in the ongoing negotiations.

By mid-February, the directors and committees will join in, but some time before that, next year’s candidates are expected to take part in the transition. In lieu of a USG presidential debate, candidates will demonstrate their technique scrubbing toilets and sanitizing vomit-stained New/North hallways.

Students were receptive to this change, noting janitorial services add much more value to the USC community than most USG programming.

When asked about a lack of experience and context in the hospitality sphere, one USG member commented, “Well, incompetence has never never stopped us before.”
EDITOR’S NOTE: If our readers would like to take a different course of action, consider joining Raise ‘SC tomorrow at 4pm outside UUC.