by Axel Hellman
Students last week were aghast to hear news that USC’s beloved mascot EVKitty had been run over by a car. Later, reports emerged that the story was a hoax. DPS is investigating EVKitty for faking her own death in order to receive a multi-million dollar payout of a life insurance policy.
Grieving students began to construct an enormous mausoleum for the supposedly deceased cat, and began to prepare ceremonial offerings of food, milk, and rodents to provide for EVKitty in the afterlife, before realizing that EVKitty was still alive.
Dining hall staff have reported that the cat had been acting strangely, pushing away full plates of orange chicken untasted, and gazing far off into the distance as if yearning for a better life.
Investigators suspect that the fugitive feline will soon flee the country, and use the proceeds to purchase a secluded island in the South Seas, where she will live in the lap of luxury in her own private dining hall.
Having heard of the massive life insurance payout, dozens of business majors were spotted prowling the courtyard of EVK, eager to network with the new high-net-worth-animal.
Finance student David Ahmood told the Sack of Troy, “I really admire EVKitty’s ability to cheat complex financial systems for her own benefit. How can I get a job doing that?”
Students have already begun to mourn the departure of their cherished animal companion. On Friday, one freshman was spotted eating breakfast at EVK alone, with a potted plant for company.