USC Board of Trustees Adds Token Non-Billionaire

by Staff

USC has a long history of press releases and admissions website testimonials about diversity.  But today, the university proved its commitment to bring together people of different backgrounds.

President Nikias was the first to announce the decision, “Our Board of Trustees is full of people from all across the world.  We have real estate moguls from Taiwan, oil magnates from Iran, and absurdly-high-net-worth individuals from up and down the Americas.”

“But recently the board decided that true diversity was lacking.  And so, I’m proud to announce the induction of Paul Stieffa, the university’s first non-billionaire trustee.  This is indeed a historic day!”

Stieffa was welcomed to the Board of Trustees one year after endowing a gift for the Steiffa Hall of Data Storage.  The Hall is a corridor in the basement of the Campus Center leading to a closet full of filing cabinets.

The new trustee is a 1973 graduate of the Marshall School of Business.  Coming from humble Palos Verdes roots, his father owned a chain of 13 surfer-hippie themed restaruants.  After college, Stieffa worked hard to become the owner and executive manager of a chain of 12 surfer-hippie themed restaurants and one building condemned for gross health code violations.

“And who better to oversee the education of a leading research university than a graduate of the Marshall School of Business?” continued Nikias. “This man represents everything we can hope of our students. I’m sure he embodies the four or five trojan values too.”

Soon after the announcement, at a multi-university conference of educational outreach, President Nikias locked eyes with the UC President, raised an eyebrow, and tilted his head towards the unaware Steiffa.

There are unconfirmed reports of a Fall 2016 Steiffa Scholarship for Achievers of the 99.4%.

One trustee, Jin Wei Chan, remarked, “At first, I thought that it will be quite difficult working with someone so different on our board, but I’m sure we will adjust.”

“At least he’s not a democrat.”