DPS Attempts to Prove Self-Worth Through New Incident Resolution Emails
by Kim Rogers
UNIVERSITY PARK– This past week, students at the University of Southern California reported receiving emails denoting the Department of Public Safety’s new resolve to keep the USC community updated on “instances in which DPS and/or LAPD have been able to bring a resolution to reported illegal acts affecting our community members.”
While at first these cases were too few and far between to elicit notice, University officials were forced to acknowledge the fruitful efforts of DPS officers, who successfully apprehended a cellphone thief. The university has decided that from now on, DPS will be publicly congratulated for all of its actions.
“We’ve yet to see practical benefits for the student body, but these emails are really more intended to boost the confidence of the officers themselves. They feel underappreciated,” commented head of the program, Officer Stan Dulaney.
The emails, labeled unofficially as “positivity spam”, are a part of a university-wide movement to improve the morale of its workers. According to Dulaney, DPS officers have begun to lose courage after repeated instances of blatant disrespect for safety policies, specifically the refusal to walk bikes across Trousdale.
In order to reinforce the new positive encouragement policy, the university is taking the DPS’ move one step further by distributing a gold star and a pat on the head to every DPS worker who can report having successfully stopped crime in some way.
Promptly upon reception of the email, President of the university, Max Nikias, reportedly printed the communication and hung it on his refrigerator, alongside his child’s first A+ and his own illustration of himself as Tommy Trojan.
At press time, the Department of Public Safety announced plans to honor all officers with “Public Safety Officer of the Year” awards for the return of a stolen library book to Doheny.