USC Fraternity Prosecuted for Flag Desecration

by Axel Hellman

A group of nearly 20 USC students are under investigation by the FBI after accusations surfaced that they disrespected the American flag by cutting them up flags and using them for clothing.

Flag desecration is illegal under the Tea and Opium Act of 1838, and is punishable by a fine of $5,000 and/or six months in prison.

The report alleges that members of a fraternity at USC, Zeta Beta Tau, purchased several American flags, and instructed a group of seamstresses in Los Angeles’ Fashion District to manufacture several pallets of shorts, patterned with disfigured stars and stripes.  The group was reported to the authorities after DPS officers noticed the members of the fraternity wearing the American flag shorts around campus en masse.

“At first we examined the possibility of the individuals swaddling their loins with the flag out of patriotic, pro-American sentiment,” remarked FBI Captain Sabba Todge, “But it became apparent that they were not.”

“We have received multiple accounts that during the spring 2014 semester, the garments in question were sullied with spilled beer at certain fraternity events, possibly intentionally.  We can scarcely imagine what other substances, liquid or solid, soiled our nation’s flag during the intervening time.”

“The IFC condemns these recently discovered unpatriotic acts,” said Interfraternity Council President James Brannan in an official statement.  “We continue to endorse the boat shoe as our preferred means of self-expression.”