Trustees Vote to Change “USC Trojans” to “USC W.A.S.P.S”

by Joseph Grazier

After months of debate, controversy, and multi-million dollar donations, the USC Board of Trustees voted this Saturday to pass a new measure intended to bring USC’s public image “closer to the desired [class] of people” the university is now trying to attract, according to President Nikias.

“I’m glad that we changed the mascot to the Wasp. I don’t know what it means, but my daddy said it’s good.” said Senior Katie Scottsinbergher of Delta Upsilon Mu. It should be noted however that Katie was technically incorrect- the old mascot was not the Trojan, but Traveler, who has now been replaced with a Mercedes Benz.

The name and mascot changes were not the only decisions passed by the board, as a new acceptance policy titled “Diplomas for Dollas” was passed.

According to the new policy, any prospective student whose family donates in excess of five million dollars would receive automatic acceptance not only into the university, but also the fraternity/sorority of their choosing.

One of the most vocal supporters of the new changes made by the school has been the Greek community. Junior Frank de Franko of Alpha Zeta Zeta believes that “these new changes are going to help us keep the kind of people we don’t want here away from us, and working in Chano’s.”

Ainsley Carry, Vice Provost for Student Affairs, was one of the most vocal supporters of these changes. “After the USC SCALE incident this past semester, I got to thinking: these intelligent students, many of whom here on merit of an academic scholarship, are pretty annoying.”

Carry continued to explain that the more financially endowed students tended to “ask fewer questions, and accept the status quo” with open arms.

“These are only the first steps of many towards a more ‘elevated’ image that we’re trying to achieve” stated President Nikias when approached. Nothing could be confirmed, but the replacement of George Tirebiter with a statue of two Pomeranians, as well as Tommy Trojan with a life-sized bronze cast of Ronald Reagan, were strongly implied.