Ask the Sack #2: What is Heartbleed?

by Jack Koppa

Q: I’ve heard about something called “Heartbleed”, but I have no idea what it is. Help?

A: Heartbleed, the Sack presumes, is a compound noun, similar to the “sky-water” the Sack had previously explained. Using simple analogous reasoning, the Sack can confirm that Heartbleed is indeed leaking from connective tissue in the cardiac organ. You’re welcome.

Q: I just got this email from USC saying that Heartbleed has to do with computer security.

A: Hmmm… The Sack will take a look… Please enter your credit card information and create a password-secured account below to continue reading

Q: So what is it?

A: Heartbleed is a catastrophic flaw in the security systems of 66% of websites, allowing hackers to access encrypted passwords of even the largest internet juggernauts. This historic failure will soon force almost 0% of website users to take action.

Q: Is this a situation where I get to blame “them”?

A: You mean immigrants? Yes. Absolutely.

Q: How likely is it that I will be affected?

A: Hackers are devious creatures, and the major problem with Heartbleed is that there’s no way to know if you’re affected. There is a silver lining though: hopefully any hacking that occurs will look like this: 

Q: What should I do?

A: “Change your passwords if you don’t want to give up all your personal information”

is what we would say if the NSA and Google didn’t already distribute all your data. As things stand, the Sack recommends keeping your current passwords, and simply changing your username to something funny, like“Hugh Jass” or “Al Caholic”, so when hackers use your credit card, they’ll look really dumb! Like the creators of the compromised software!


photo: blahadam