George Takei to Replace Bush as Dean of Price

by Zoe Haddad and Axel Hellman

BOVARD AUDITORIUM—Actor and activist George Takei spoke at Bovard auditorium Friday evening. Takei enchanted the crowd with personal anecdotes of his childhood in an internment camp, his role on Star Trek, and his strong presence in the LGBT community.

After his remarks, USC President C. L. Max Nikias came to the podium to make a groundbreaking announcement. “I am delighted to announce my good friend George will be joining the ranks of our talented faculty as the new dean of the Price School of Public Policy.”

In addition to his prominent career as an actor, most famously as Hikaru Sulu on Star Trek, Takei also has extensive experience in public affairs. He has been deeply involved in California politics for decades, playing an important role in the creation of the Los Angeles subway system among other things. More recently, he has played a pivotal role in the fight for marriage equality.

“As you all recall, George Bush could not fill the position due to the unfortunate scorpion blood contamination at the induction ceremony,” Nikias said jovially.

“We hope for a speedy recovery,” Nikias continued, “We wish you future success in your classes and fight on! Or as they say in Klingon, “Ħℇ<ℑʠɣɬ乙 §ζἇϡϢᵩᶘ꜒⌰※土Ƕǿ三ἲϦϪԃЉ ѨѮғғ҂㣺∀  אּᎿᏪשּׂפּШ.”

Takei is one of many celebrity figures recently recruited to join USC’s faculty, including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dr. Dre, and James Franco. These individuals were selected based on a complex formula taking into account varied accomplishments, charity work, and upvotes on the lookwhoimet subreddit.

Social scientists predict that this will be the first and possibly only time a university professor will spend more time in class posting on Facebook than his students.

The class Takei is expected to teach is an ophthalmology class, OHMY-200.