By Emily Torp
WASHINGTON, DC — President Donald Trump has finally made the concession that the nation has been waiting for: he has a crush on his VP Michael Pence, and made it official over one drunken weekend at Mar-A-Lago with a Presidential smooch. He announced this via a Tweet at 3:28 AM.
Karen Pence, Mike’s loving wife and erection watchdog, was surprisingly supportive for a homophobe. “If the President thinks that this kiss is what is best for the country, then so be it. God Bless America! I’m sure he said ‘no homo’ after, so it must have been a strategic foreign policy move.”
Tiffany Trump, gay icon for the “LGBQIIA” community, and the President’s daughter solely for non-essential media purposes, was excited to find out mommy number four is actually going to be a daddy! “It’s like cool, you know?” she said in her Instagram live surrounded by four drunk and shirtless men on her yacht off the coast of Mexico. Tiffany continued her Instagram live to clarify her statement on the campaign trail when she mistakenly referred to the “LGBTQIA+” community as the “LGBQIIA+” community. “It stands for ‘Ladies, Gentlemen, Boys and Qirls, Indigenous Iowans, Albinos, and anyone in the 1% + tax bracket. Duh!’”
Later that same day, the lame duck President tried to retract his concession and say that the kiss was not actually a kiss, and that the reporting on the incident was fake news. However, many critics say the details about Pence included in the first tweet, including “voluptuous lips” “a face all mothers can love” and “the delicate freckle dotting his cupid’s bow” were too specific to be part of any deep state conspiracy.
Presidential Historian Michael Beechman was quick to point out that the President famously does not drink. “Through this concession, he is also admitting that his preferred timing for a sexual advancement is when his target is heavily inebriated.” Mike Pence is known to not consume alcohol or human empathy, so Beechman infers that “Perhaps the Vice President has turned to a combination of scotch and painkillers to forget the misery of undermining democracy with President Trump.” Pence reported waking up pantless in the hotel lobby the morning after the kiss wearing his necktie as a thong, but Karen assured him he was just praying really hard that night.
For now, or at the latest until January 20th, it is clear that the President and the Vice President will be lovingly gazing into each other’s eyes across the desk in the oval office, playing footsie under the table, and sneaking in a quick Monica Lewinsky reenactment when they have the room to themselves. But, once January 21st rolls around, they will block each other on Instagram, reset their relationship status on Facebook, and be sent to separate minimum security prisons for tax evasion and treason, respectively.