LA to Create Program to Divert Mental Health Calls From Stoic Dads Saying “Tough It Up”

By Drew Thomas-Nathan

LOS ANGELES, CA — The Los Angeles City Council unanimously voted Wednesday to create a pilot program to divert nonviolent emergency calls involving mental health issues away from unsympathetic dads who just say “Tough it up!” to other mental health professionals.

Up until now nonviolent emergency mental health calls in LA have all gone to The Daddy Squad, a team of un-paid emotionally-stunted fathers who selflessly work to make sure all their trauma and toxic masculinity is passed on to the next generation. Citizens in crisis could call them to hear all kinds of unhelpful responses like “Tough titties,” “Shit happens,” and “What are you gonna do? Cry about it?”

The city will now seek to partner with a nonprofit organization and relevant departments to create a set of city employees responsible for responding to nonviolent calls for service currently handled by the emotionally-distant daddies.

“This is an important step,” said Councilman Bert Easton. “The daddies are untrained in mental health crisis management and busy neglecting their own families. They do the job quick and cheap. But now we’re seeing people in our city ask for more robust mental health services than some dads who probably have their own Oedipus complexes or whatnot, and the city has answered that call in a timely manner.”

The Los Angeles Apathetic Fathers Union offered support for the new program in a statement released Wednesday. “We agree with the city council that not every call should be our problem, because none of them are. Handle it yourselves. The Fathers Union members are just trying to watch the game. Anyone seen the remote?”

Violent emergency calls will still be handled poorly by the LAPD.