UNDISCLOSED LOCATION –Deep in the mountains of [redacted], a multi-ethnic, queer-platonic group of buddies is stuck in a bunker, and tensions are rising. The twist: they’re a group of terrorists who want to destroy the corrupt ungodly West from the inside out. Is this the newest bingeable Ryan Murphy Netflix dramedy?! Nope! It’s real life, baby. And they have nukes! (Well, maybe? We cannot confirm or deny the existence of nukes, but like…probably, right?)
So what exactly happens when a group of violent jihadists are locked up together for months on end? The leader of [redacted], who we’ll call Sam (terrorists can be named Sam! Don’t be racist!), says, “it’s not pretty.”
“We had this plan,” Sam told me, “we were going to place multiple bombs at the [redacted] music festival. It was going to be,” here he kissed his fingers like an Italian chef after tasting a particularly delicious meatball, “delicious. All those hipsters…..” He trails off with a melancholy look on his face.
When social distancing rules led to the cancellation of the music festival, Sam and his followers were devastated. Without the gathering of crowds, the terrorists’ job becomes nearly impossible. They considered organizing attacks on grocery stores or reopening protests, but even terrorists don’t want to get coronavirus. “We’re only human, you know,” Jimmy-Bob, another spokesperson told me (name changed).
The frustration of inaction, combined with the cramped living space of a terrorist cell bunker, has made for some pretty messy cat fights. It doesn’t help that most members of the group have…well, let’s just say violent tendencies. Just last week, Jimmy-Bob lost an eye in a spat over cream cheese.
“Larry [name changed] ate almost the whole package! What else am I supposed to put on my breakfast bagel?! And of course I’m the one who loses an eye. Classic Larry.”
Sam locked Larry in the “punishment room” for the entirety of this week. “It’s mostly for his own safety,” Sam says, “I don’t know what Jimmy-Bob would do if he got his hands on him, but I don’t think it would just be an eye for an eye….”
Even with these domestics, Sam is trying to keep the mood hopeful. “It’s like I’ve been telling the guys, this virus is on our side! The west is crumbling under the weight of their incompetence, and we get to sit back and enjoy the show!”
Even after a day of boredom and bickering, the boys are always cheered up by an evening sitting around the fire watching Donald Trump’s bumbling press conferences. Even through hardship, friendship is like a flower, blossoming in the most unlikely places.