Conservatives Boycott Black Friday, Stating All Fridays Matter
By Alexandra Ornes
CHARLESTON, SC – With Black Friday coming up, Americans are preparing for the busiest purchasing day of the year, but conservatives are planning on boycotting, stating that “All Fridays Matter”.
“It’s a shame.” said Ashleigh Smith, an avid Fox News watcher who’s dream boyfriend is Tucker Carlson. “Black Friday was always one of my favorite holidays, but I cannot let the radical leftist media control me by making me go shopping only on this Friday. I’m not a sheep!”
Scientists throughout the country are rejoicing at the news of the boycott. “The premise of the boycott is pretty idiotic, but on the bright side we believe it will heavily limit the impact Black Friday has on the spread of Covid-19,” said Dr. Franklin Vaughn.
Much to the dismay of the scores of people who showed up for killer deals, the organizers of the boycott announced that rather than going black Friday shopping, “We’re going to hold a beautiful protest,” said Rachael Davidson, organizer of the event. “Some fun events we’re organizing are singing Friday, which is really a great song even though it’s by Rebecca… Black… and breathing on each other heavily, which is one of our new favorite past times to piss off the libs.” When asked for comment on their schedule, Dr. Vaughn broke down crying.
“It’s not that Black Friday doesn’t matter,” said organizer Brendan Goodman. “It’s just that all Fridays matter equally. Except Good Friday, that’s obviously the superior one!”