by Seth Woodhouse
On Saturday night, college student and notoriously shakey man Tom Davis confirmed his long held suspicions — his dad is doing the deed on the reg, and definitely more than him.
“You know I’ve been trying to get out there. But I always felt okay because I knew that at least I was boinking more than my dad,” said Davis, a bioengineering major “But then at dinner I just happened to glance over at his phone and he had flirty texts from like four different women. Learning that my dad was drowning in it was truly devastating.”
Byron Davis, 54, and a specimen of a man, has been divorced for six years. Our crack hacker team here at Sack has confirmed that Davis has several matches on his Tinder and Bumble accounts. He also has been trying to keep his many relationships a secret from Tom. “I just don’t want my son to feel bad that his father is bumping uglies like Jordan in the finals.”
“I mean, like, I see him going on dates when I’m back home for Christmas, yet he never tells me about it. Wait, does he feel bad for me? Oh man.” Tom walked away sulking after this last comment.
Tom is notorious at his school for being unable to talk to anyone than his pet turtle Yosemite and inadequate physique. “How does he have an 8 pack and I look like an underfed child? The man is in his fifties,” Tom yelled back at our reporter.
On whether he was going to confront his dad or not about the hanky panky situation, Tom said, dejectedly, “he’ll probably just brush it off his rippling biceps and turn the question on me.”
Byron was unable to respond to these claims, most likely because he was seen at the Chateau Marmont with Diane Lane at the time of this article’s writing.