by Rob Smat
USA–Robert Menendez (D-NJ, NASA, ASPCA, ABCDEFG), was indicted today on multiple accounts of fraud, bribery, and efforts to make certain parts of the government work more efficiently.
The indictment outlines years’ worth of favors between Menendez and Salomon Melgen, an opthamologist who somehow has seven digits’ worth of excess cash sitting around. (Somebody should keep an eye on that guy! Well, they did.)
In return for nearly a million dollars in campaign funds, Menendez allegedly forced through three visas for Melgen’s three overseas girlfriends, over the course of a few years. He also managed to secure a number of other favors for his longtime friend.
At a press conference yesterday, Menendez furiously denied the accusations: “Everything I have done during my tenure in office has been 100% LEGAL! I have no doubt the courts will quickly realize that efforts to help a friend in need and force other branches of government to comply is a typical and well-meaning thing to do!” He tapped his knuckles twice on the podium to complete his statement.
An aide to Menendez quickly interrupted to whisper advice to him. His face drained of color, and he returned to the podium, meekly muttering, “Everyone…it seems I’ve made a mistake. A big one.”
Menendez proceeded to explain that he thought everything in the popular Netflix show House of Cards was legal. It seems he was unable to separate fact from fiction too, as he also believed everything in the show was true.
“I had always hoped to meet Frank Underwood at some event or congressional meeting, but never did. Before, I just thought it was because there were so many of us [Editor’s note: there are 100 senators. Just 100.], but now I know…Frank Underwood doesn’t even exist. I guess that explains why he was never arrested for killing that guy.”
The Press groaned at this statement, as Menendez had inadvertently dropped a huge season 1 spoiler. Then, Menendez caught himself before knuckling the podium again. He raised his fist into his vision, and contemplated his own folly as tears began to well in his eyes. Menendez vacated his position once more.
Kevin Spacey has been asked for comment on the subject, but every time he is approached, he looks backwards over his shoulder, mumbles something inaudibly to no one, and then grins and walks away.