By Prerika Chawla
WASHINGTON D.C. – Rudy Giuliani has tested positive for the coronavirus just days after attending a hearing in Michigan, and experts fear that his shameless and pungent farts may have caused a super spreader event.
Considering how much Rudy Giuliani leaks from every crevice of his body including his scalp follicles, the presidential lawyer is considered a particularly potent spreader of disease. Dr. Richard Stapleton, a researcher at the Physics Institute of Gaseous Matter explained the higher than usual risk that Giuliani imposed at the Michigan hearing. Pointing at a vague chart, he stated, “As you can see by the frequencies of his expressed flatulence at the hearing, the gas molecules possessed intense energy and thus likely carried virus particles several feet, as well as the smells of the inside of a fruit bat carcass.”
A few scientists think such complicated extrapolations are a bit far-fetched. Top public health expert Tim Thompson commented, “At least he was wearing pants? That kind of acts as a cloth mask.” Then, after a brief pause for thought, he continued, “Hopefully there was also a second layer under there, but you never know with Giuliani.”
The Sack contacted Giuliani’s publicist, but he seemed to be on the other line. “Hi, can I speak to Destiny Rose?” he whispered loudly. “I have some important news about one of her clients…” It seems Giuliani is a very busy lawyer.
“Oh God, a hooker? We need to contact the CDC, the FBI, and the EPA!” said panicked gastroenterologist Julia Chipp. “If Giuliani had his hands in his pants and passed gas at the same time, the implications for contamination are extremely, extremely dangerous.”