by Rob Smat
OVAL OFFICE, D.C. — President Obama, as well as numerous political and public officials, have taken to the airwaves to begin damage control following the controversial result of the non-indictment of Michael Brown’s killer, Darren Wilson.
Due to dangerous conditions, these figures have unanimously agreed that all citizens should remain safely sheltered from all forms of social media for the next 24 to 48 hours.
“We can’t know the full impact of this verdict until we’re removed from it by a day or two. Until that point, we would strongly advise all Americans resist logging in to Facebook, Twitter, and Yik Yak until the situation has calmed down,” stated President Obama.
Obama’s press secretary went on to cite specifics, noting that such Internet platforms contained dangers including “lengthy rants,” “ad hominem attacks,” “dangerous levels of hashtag,” and, “distrust or ignorance of the United States legal system.” All of which, in combination, can produce a dangerous chemical reaction to catalyze profile blocks and unfollows.
The President and his staff will use traditional means of communication – such as television and radio – to let the nation know when a return to social media is safe. In the meantime, regular social media users should protect themselves in safe wifi-free zones, and allow law enforcement to maintain calm on the web.
At press time, Google+ and LinkedIn were in no danger of vicious political opinionating or usage of any sort.