By Preston Long
WASHINGTON – Exactly one year after the darkest day in recent memory, millions of Americans were shocked to discover Thursday morning that history had repeated itself: it was January 6th again.
Democrats blasted the FBI for missing obvious warning signs once again. According to Senator Patrick Leahy (D-VA), “everyone assured me that January 6th only happens once in a lifetime, but I knew it would happen again as soon as I opened this year’s Garfield’s Greatest Moments calendar. Surely the FBI had access to this intel- it’s a very popular calendar- and they could’ve stopped January 6th this time around. If this troubling trend of inaction continues, then there’s no telling how many more January 6ths this country will face. I just hope none of them happen on a Monday.”
Shortly after finishing his interview, Senator Leahy was spirited away to a safehouse in a more secure time zone where it was already January 7th.
Fox News personality Tucker Carlson shared his own thoughts on the event in a special entitled January 6th: The Day that Happened Again. “There’s no doubt that January 6th marked a major turning point for our country: the turning point from January 5th to a different day entirely. But is anyone surprised that January 6th happened again?” Carlson said, gesturing towards a venn diagram in which ‘years with January 6th’ and ‘years with a Democratic majority’ shared the same circle. “ We’re entering the second year of Biden’s so-called ‘presidency,’ and he continues to push his wildly unpopular, centrist policies. Any president with a spine would’ve gone with two January 5ths or January 7ths rather than trying to meet in the middle by having a January 6th. Compromise pleases no one except the Devil himself,” Carlson added, quoting from the Garfield’s Greatest Moments calendar on his desk.
Amidst this shocking realization, millions of Americans took comfort in the familiar sight of gun-toting fascists threatening democracy around the country.