Local Surgeon Does Operations in 15 Minutes or They’re Free
By Rafael Diaz
LOS ANGELES — Looking to make a name for himself in a crowded hospital market, local surgeon Dr. Jack DeRipper is performing operations in less than 15 minutes or they’re free. DeRipper, owner of the newly opened Meredith Grey Memorial Surgical Center, had been looking for a way to undercut his competition when a pizza restaurant gave him the idea.
Following DeRipper’s revelation, he and his crack team of unpaid pre-med students made substantial changes to achieve 2x-speed operations. According to DeRipper, he no longer uses tools like anesthesia, scalpels, or hand-stitching because “that Stone Age shit takes too long.” “We use Alex Warren’s music instead of anesthesia; it puts the patients to sleep quicker,” said DeRipper. “Then, we use a 6000 RPM power saw to make our cuts, and we stitch up with a giant industrial sewing machine. For post-op recovery, we just send the patient out with a brick of black tar heroin. Now we can do anything from triple bypasses to BBLs faster than any other hospital in town!”
Since the promotion started, DeRipper’s business has boomed, with patients raving about the new time-saving operations. “This guy is a godsend,” said area man Mike Krack, “My wife and her boyfriend wanted me to get a vasectomy before our big Cuck Night, but I was worried the procedure would take so long that I’d miss it. But I went to Dr. DeRipper’s clinic, and he got it done in 10 minutes. Thanks to him, I was able to spend less time in the hospital and more time with the people I love.”
Beyond the local level, DeRipper’s new methods are getting national attention. “These 15-minute surgeries are the future of medicine,” said HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who himself got a 15-minute surgery to have a worm removed from his brain. “Forget curing autism, this is what I want to see more of.”
DeRipper acknowledges his super-fast surgeries may seem sketchy, but he assured us that he knows what he’s doing. “My team and I have done plenty of practice with the cadavers that USC sold us, so we’re pros now.” At press time, DeRipper was waiting in line at McDonald’s when a new innovation struck him: drive-thru surgeries.
