USC Unveils New School of Fiscally Conservative, Socially Liberal Arts

By Margaret Danenhauer

LOS ANGELES, CA — During a Q&A session for the Open Dialogue Project, Interim President Kim announced USC’s plans to open a school for Fiscally Conservative, Socially Liberal Arts. The school, colloquially known as USC Dornsife, will offer a variety of degrees including English, Biology, and Redlining. 

“Dornsife will be committed to creating an inclusive, welcoming environment for students of all genders, races, expressions, and creeds,” said Dean Peter Thiel. “Equally so, we are committed to creating an inclusive, welcoming environment for discriminatory housing policies and finding dead bodies of all genders, races, expressions, and creeds to sell to the IDF.”

Already student workers are hard at work engraving plaques with the school motto, “pauperes non permittuntur” (no poors allowed). John Indentured, who has work study in the sweatshop below the LGBTQ+ Student Center, says he’s never worked somewhere with less intolerance or doors. “We start every shift with a pronoun circle, and end every one with a moment of silence for all those freshmen we lost in the fire. Plus, there’s an ice cream social once a month.”