USC on Brink of War Between Wheel People and Foot People

by Veronica Marks

LOS ANGELES, CA – On first glance, McClintock Avenue seems peaceful and serene. The sun shines on students as they make their way to class. However, tensions lurk beneath this warm facade between the two factions at USC: the Wheel People and the Foot People.

The Wheel People, marked by their earbuds, use scooters, bicycles, skateboards, rollerskates, hoverboards, and even unicycles to traverse campus. Alongside them, the Foot People, distinguished by the phones in their hands, use their legs to journey from class to class.

It may appear that that these two tribes exist in harmony, but all across campus, skirmishes prove otherwise.

A Foot Person mutters “Dude, watch it,” after almost being hit by a member of the Wheels. “Dumbasses on their phones,” the Wheel Person remarks, zooming away.

A recent attempt at diplomacy on McCarthy Quad quickly went south.

“Parkside’s so far,” complained Foot Person Meg Sullins. “Can we just go to EVK?”

Wheel Person Paul Todd straightened up, alert. “You should get a skateboard,” he said pointedly.

Heads turned. The surrounding students held their breath to witness this possible battle, this inevitable release of tension.

“Maybe,” said Sullins, barely skating by the beginning of a battle.

While the palpable anger on McCarthy Quad eventually fizzled out, the widespread tension across U.S.C. indicates that war is most certainly imminent. In Taper Hall, for example, fighting nearly broke out when Wheel Person Lily Jones, carrying her scooter, requested that she and her classmates take the elevator.

“You should really just walk to class,” suggested Foot Person Dan Garcia.

The hallways went silent. The surrounding Trojans paused.

“Well, I don’t wanna be slowed down,” edged Jones.

“Hmm,” said Garcia.

“Hmm,” responded Jones.

The campus resumed, having only nearly escaped a bloody clash.

For now, U.S.C. is only simmering with tension. The school’s factions have endured one another for decades without fighting breaking out. However, with the rising number of skirmishes, it seems that a race war may be inevitable.