By Bill Rockas
PRINCETON, NJ – After a decades-long debate, historians have finally revealed the longstanding secret that J. Robert Oppenheimer, otherwise known as “the father of the atomic bomb,” paid to be inked up with a tramp stamp reading “No Regrets”.
The tattoo was kept secret in order to create a mythic figure that would help prevent the destruction of humanity. In reality, associates described Oppenheimer as a callous party animal. “He was a cocky motherfucker,” researcher Gil Shmabbit revealed at a press conference. “He would constantly cut people off saying ‘shut up I’m God.’ He even played drinking games based on how many lives were lost in the aftermath of his detonations.” Even his famous quote was heavily edited for broadcast. According to Shmabbit, Oppenheimer originally stated “I am become an awesome guy. Creator of giant explosive things.”
While it is true that Oppenheimer did do some activism to prevent further world tragedies, it was only in an effort to preserve his own legacy. “Fat Man and Little Boy are the coolest fucking bombs to ever be created. I outdid myself and now, warfare would just be a hacky attempt to reach my star power. Sorry losers and wannabes” he relayed to Congress.
Oppenheimer was tatted up after Hiroshima, seeing the world tragedy as a feat of his power. While most prominent is the “No Regrets” tattoo splayed across his lower back, he also got one of Betty Boop straddling an atomic bomb, the words “Manhattan Project Baby” in cursive, and 140,000 teardrop tattoos. The reveal of his character is sobering and appalling. Director Christopher Nolan has now announced plans to reshoot his film, swapping Cillian Murphy with a shit-faced Post Malone for better historical accuracy.