Op-ed: This College Shit is Nothing like The Sims 4 Discover University: Expansion Pack

By Julian Avrith

Instagram Caption: Dis Colablush Shat Es Natig Gleeba Sims 4 Dober Uberdrap: Eepa Peepa

LOS ANGELES, CA – Now that I’m a sophomore, it’s becoming abundantly clear that this college shit is never going to be like The Sims 4 Discover University: Expansion Pack.

Look, I’m no idiot. I knew I was going to have to bring more than just a microwave when I moved in, but I’m breaking bank for classes that I know should only be worth 102 Simoleons. 4K for “WRIT 150”  when I could be taking Villainy 101: Mischief to Crime. 

And don’t even get me started on the food. You think I’d be happy eating from a dining hall rather than  picking up and eating random plates of food from the floor. But there’s a hole in my heart where mysterious bathroom Goopy Carbonara should be (proper, Sims 4 Goopy Carbonara, not whatever you guys are getting at EVK). And can we talk about how semesters last 6 months instead of 6 days? Realistically, I should be a doctor by now, or at least level 5 on the doctor career track. 

 Before I got here, I’d practiced some relatable conversation starters to make friends with my roommates, like “I noticed we both like to do homework sitting down on people’s beds while they’re sleeping” or “Isn’t it crazy we both like to start doing pushups in front of the bathroom door, trapping others inside?” I even tried encouraging some of these behaviors, like the time I left a grilled cheese and my roommate’s homework on the foot of my bed. This only led to a conference with our RA (also not in The Sims 4).

Anyway, if you’re deciding whether or not you want to go to college, I’d say nieb (“no” in Simlish) because now I have dergpla (“clinical depression” in Simlish). Save yourself the trouble and use any set-aside tuition money to buy some of the Sims 4 Expansion Packs while they’re on sale!