By Bill Rockas
LOS ANGELES, CA – Taylor Swift, the paragon of pop singers, the generation-defining giant, timber-er of Ticketmaster, and private jet passenger to the stars, is also the new Nostradamus. She is currently dating Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce, a fate she predicted eons ago in her Fearless era. This means it’s time that culture recognizes her dazzling, fortune-telling abilities with nine of her greatest predictions!
- “I’m on the bleachers”
In Swift’s hit 2008 single “You Belong With Me,” she utters this line that predicts her current relationship and favorite place to sit. Although Taylor is famous for obliquely foreshadowing her next project through Instagram posts and sentence fragments, this prescient line proves Swift can see time as a flat, definite circle where events are predetermined and individual autonomy is simply an illusion. Also, she looked so cute cheering Kelce on at the Jets game!
- “I have this thing where I get older”
Taylor Swift predicted in her song “Anti-Hero” that someday she would age. And sure enough, she started to age every successive second thereafter. It’s a surprising turn of events and brave of her to expose this rare condition. It’s like she’s the reverse Benjamin Button!
- “That’s fine, I’ll tell mine that you’re [REDACTED]”
In “Picture To Burn,” Swift predicted that she would spread rumors that her ex-boyfriend is a [REDACTED]. That came true, and it was hilarious! And though she would later rescind these comments, it doesn’t change the fact that [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] the [REDACTED] “she was holding the matches?” More like [REDACTED] [REDACTED]!
- “We survived the Great War”
Many are unaware of how Swift rallied U.S. soldiers in 1916 to put an end to World War I. Her song “The Great War” would persuade the troops to resolve the global conflict while inspiring a young speech writer. That 12-year-old speechwriter? Winston Churchill. So yeah.
- “I forgot that you existed”
In her Lover song “I Forgot That You Existed,” Swift predicted that global, collective consciousness would forget that Calvin Harris existed. Theorists suspect that the government erased our memories with undisclosed technology, but no one really cares that much. What would we even find if we did uncover that secret? Calvin Harris and his songs? No thanks.
- “I’d never walk Cornelia Street again”
Don’t hmu, this one hurt.
- “I’m lightning on my feet”
In “Shake It Off,” Swift foretold that she would break the sound barrier in 2021. Why she did this, no one knows.
- “Scooter Braun will die under not-so-mysterious circumstances”
At the beginning of her Eras Tour, Swift announced that skeezy record producer Scooter Braun would die and we would all just let her murder him. Her next song is titled “Eulogy (Taylor’s Version)” and is set to release next week. Count your days, fucker.
- “Due to human intervention, the Hooded Grebe (otherwise known as the Podiceps Gallardoi) will be completely extinct by the year 2043”
Though this one hasn’t yet come true, Swift said it with such conviction in her song “Cardigan” that we must believe it.