By Aidan Driscoll
EAST PALESTINE, OH – Recent videos out of East Palestine, Ohio show creeks filled with rainbow colored water, a clear sign of support for the LGBTQ community and nothing more.
Some critics are attempting to connect the rainbow water with the East Palestine train derailment that occurred way back when, it’s basically ancient history honestly and we should just move on already. Last I checked, trains aren’t rainbow colored, so there! But perhaps they should be, as their current color scheme says nothing of their stance on the LGBTQ community. Why aren’t we talking about real issues like that? This would be an important step forward for trains. Some people, such as the majority of unionized rail workers, would say that there are more pressing issues such as safety concerns, adequate pay, and manpower, a lack of which may have contributed to that East Palestine derailment that I wish you would stop bringing up. But the President told them to shut up, so I’m gonna go ahead and agree with the leader of the free world (sometimes trains just fall over!). I think he’d agree that painting trains rainbow is super based.
Ohio has valued gay rights for, like, forever, and no you can’t bring up that we banned same-sex marriage in 2004, we already said “oopsie doopsie!” on that, so yeah. I never heard anyone say “no take-backs” so legally we can call “oopsie doopsie” on that and just quit talking about it. The decision to make the creek rainbow is, some would say, long overdue. Now, the stance of Ohio creeks on the LGBTQ community is— unlike the water itself— crystal clear: a staunch supporter, loud and proud. QED, it is safe to assume that the 3,500+ fish that have died were exclusively the cis-het ones, making Ohio creeks a cornerstone of the queer aquatic community. While drinking the water may give you indigestion, headaches, and permanent liver damage, it’s also gay rights, so ask yourself, am I an ally or a coward?
I know what some of you might be saying: my son went swimming in the EPA cleared waterways and now he’s blind! I’d like to point to the literature of Daredevil and say your son will now also likely have echolocation, so let’s focus on the silver lining here and get your kid to some karate practices. To those of you who spotted mutated, deformed things crawling from the creek bed, screaming and gasping for life, know that traditional firearms do work as an effective deterrent if these mutates manage to writhe their way into your yard. If they bite you with their broken, rotting teeth, please do not call for help, that did not end well for the last batch of EMTs. Please just run into the woods, as far as you can from any friends, family, or loved ones, while you still have a functioning level of intelligent human consciousness.