By Joshua Wolk
ATLANTA, GA — One month after recommending the updated bivalent booster for all Americans aged twelve and up, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention officially declared that booster recipients only need to sit on the dingy, sticky plastic CVS chair for fourteen minutes.
“Not only does the new booster protect you and your loved ones against the Omicron BA.4 and BA.5 variants, but it also reduces your wait-and-see-if-you-have-a-reaction time from a dreadfully dull fifteen minutes to a super fast and fun fourteen minutes,” CDC Director Rochelle P. Walensky explained. “That’s the perfect amount of time to meditate or something!”
The new policy has some critics. “This is clearly not a public health decision, but an economic one,” argued Senator Elizabeth Warren on the Senate floor. “Corporate politicians are forcing Walensky’s hand to get Americans in the office for one extra minute.”
Others shot back. “Those minutes add up!” contested Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell. “We need to get Americans out of those disgusting CVS lawn chairs and back into their comfy, cozy office chairs.”
He then lugged out a huge leather swivel chair to the floor to make a point, spinning in circles and going “Weeeeee!”
Right before press time, Walensky muttered under her breath really quickly that the bivalent booster also takes the microchip out.