by Jori Barash and Grace Carballo
In a fit of uncharacteristic generosity, the Sack of Troy has developed an infallible step-by-step guide on how to avoid ever giving time or money to the orange- and green- vested temptresses prowling around campus. Warm smiles and persistence have lured too many a Trojan into conversations… or worse, donations.
When asked, “Do you care about the children of the world?” or perhaps, “Do you value life and this planet we live on?” and sometimes even, “Do you enjoy killing puppies?” try the following:
• Sneeze uncontrollably for at least 37 seconds. They need to know that you are allergic to their charitability. Really put on an act. You’re worse off than the children they’re trying to help and definitely more contagious.
•Close your eyes and just keep walking. If you can’t see them, they can’t see you. Don’t worry about the science. A Dornsife professor proved this theory back in 2007.
• Do you have a lot of time on your hands? Outtalk them. Calmly ask, “And how do you feel about that?” Convince them to donate their commissions from the day to starving Portuguese anemones. Guilt them into submission!
• Prepare a charity of your own for counterattack. When approached, interrupt and ask if they would be interested in supporting “Squirrels of Somalia” (you can try creating an original charity, but Squirrels of Somalia is fool-proof). Nothing evokes inadequacy like getting beaten at your own game.
•Respond in a different language. Caring about an issue doesn’t make anyone fluent in Swahili.
• Wear an orange vest whenever walking near the campus center, or more recently- in front of Leavey Library. If you can’t beat them, join them!
•Whoop their ass. Those frail vegan hippies haven’t had protein in over two years. The heaviest thing on their bodies are their dirty dreads, so bringing the pain shouldn’t be a problem. And once they know your power, the other charities will steer clear of you.
•Do what everyone else does: check your phone. Years of pretending you’re texting someone important at a party can finally pay off!
•Act crazy. Talk about UFO’s, Bigfoot, or your X-Rated LEGO Movie Fanfiction. Be sure to not hold back, really dig into why Bush blew up the twin towers. If you act loony, no organization will bother you, except for PETA.