By Alexandra Ornes
LOS ANGELES, CA – Freshman Taylor Howard was disappointed to discover that despite the epic Euphoria-themed party, no one was willing to actually do fentanyl with her.
“Like, I came here to have a good time, and suddenly they’re acting like a bunch of little candy-ass bitches, you know?” Howard said, between hits of her vape and sips of her White Claw. “Like, we were having a great time but the second I pull out the fentanyl instead of ‘Wow she’s really committed to the bit’ and ‘Thanks for the free drugs’ it’s all ‘What the fuck is your problem’ and ‘You can’t do fentanyl, that’s fucking insane.’ Like, live a little, Jesus Christ.”
“I don’t even know where she got fentanyl from,” said Ruby Hayes, Howard’s roommate. “Like the Euphoria theme was cute and all, but trying to take fentanyl is on a whole other level. She kept yelling at us, saying we couldn’t let her do it alone because fentanyl is like taking a shot, and it’s pathetic if you do it on your own, but I still have stuff I want to do in life before, you know, dying. Like try shrooms, or molly, or literally anything but fentanyl.”
Despite mounting concerns, Howard still strongly believes she was in the right. “They just don’t know how to commit to a party theme,” said Howard, while simultaneously snorting a line of cocaine. “Like, the next party is gonna be Mykonos themed and I am actively planning on traveling to Greece, fucking three guys, getting pregnant and not knowing who the father is. Because, you know, that’s what good party guests do.”