By Scott Altsuler
College is a time for making new friends, and it’s always better when those friends come with benefits. Whether you’re in it just for a fun time, or you’re hoping that this raw passion will blossom into a fulfilling relationship, here are ten reasons to find a fling in college.
1. They have a printer
Nothing’s worse than when your ancient professor still makes you use paper! Is this the 1500s? What are you gonna do? Buy a printer? You’re broke as hell! Just mooch off of your significant other. “Give her 35 cents to print” is the new “buy her flowers.” Chivalry isn’t dead!
2. Their dorm is close to your class
Nothing’s worse than having to wake up at 8:00am and have to walk sooooooo farrrrrrrr. Now you just have the walk of shame! Your French professor definitely won’t notice you’ve been wearing the same clothes for the past three days. Always sleep in their dorm! Who knows? Maybe they even have AC!
3. The social life
Nothing’s worse than you. You have no friends. But if you find a significant other, then you can just spend all your time with them. Be one of those sad, annoying, shut-in couples that just stay in and watch TV all day. You’ll never have to put on pants again!
4. Their roommate is hot
Nothing’s worse than getting cheated on, but you’re the main character. Do whatever you want! You can use this relationship to get close to their roommate. Who knows, maybe they’re dating you for your roommate too! After all, your network is your net worth!
5. To fill the void
Nothing’s worse than waking up every morning to a world without meaning. You stare into your hollow soul and only darkness meets your gaze. There is nothing for you but the eternity that awaits you after your crippling loneliness finally consumes you whole. Maybe a relationship will help!
6. Someone to compare yourself to
Nothing’s worse than fucking hating yourself! But this is a win-win situation! If your significant other is hot, then you bagged a baddie. You’re awesome. If not, then you’re hot. A win-win situation! But what if you’re the ugly one? Fuck. Well, either become so insecure and toxic that they feel bad for you and never leave you or make them so insecure that they also never leave you!
7. To scam them
Nothing’s worse than not being able to afford Nobu. But hey! It’s USC! They’re probably rich as hell! Steal all of their shit! The only way to not be a class traitor is to participate in reparations.
8. Rice Purity Test speed run
Nothing’s worse than someone finding out your Rice Purity Score is an 86. You fucking prude. By getting into a relationship, you could get down to the low 30s in less than a week! Been in a relationship? Check! 69’d? Check! Cheated on a significant other? Remember how hot their roommate is? Maybe they’re your cousin! Or a dog? Get those boxes checked off!
Nothing’s worse than your boring life. Remember how you stole from them? Or how you fucked their roommate? Think of how much drama this will cause! Endless entertainment! Like a reality show from the comfort of your twin XL.
10. You need to settle down
You’re 18 now. Grow up. Get in a relationship. Start having kids.