USC — Ah, spring. Once again the time has arrived when students scramble to secure their humble abodes for the forthcoming semester. Fortunately, the always exceptional USC Housing has once again procured this fine university’s student body a place to rest their heads. Well, most of them that is.
Sadly, many students were literally left out in the cold, as the surprisingly small amount of available apartments in the housing lottery were quickly claimed.
But fear not fellow Trojans, as the university was quick to address concerns, offering the newfound homeless students a temporary place under the 110 interstate as a means of compensation.
“Students have come to expect too much nowadays. Sure, it may not have heating, or a bathroom, or a mattress, but you sure can’t beat that nighttime view!” explained one USC Housing representative. “And thanks to the area’s constant stream of ambulances, you’ll never have to set an alarm again!”
Some, however, haven’t taken too kindly to the news.
“Why is there even a lottery to begin with?” vented Daryl James. “Forcing me to gamble for a dorm room that already smells like rotten cheese is a special kind of evil.”
Critiques aside, not all reactions have fared negatively.
“I guess with how expensive the tuition can be, I became a little too privileged,” out-of-state sophomore Linda Caroll conceded. “Once I realized that it was my fault for wrongly expecting that everyone be offered a place to live, the side of the road didn’t seem all that bad!”
The road ahead may be rough, and the likelihood of getting shanked in an underpass has increased dramatically, but skeptics can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that USC Housing has a roof over the interests of our students. Metaphorically speaking, of course.