by Kim Rogers
TAPER HALL — In a quiet act of anarchy, agent of chaos Harold Chung chose a new seat in his PSYC 300 lecture more than halfway through the semester. His classmates stood in the aisle stunned as Chung laughed maniacally from the middle of the third row.
“What kind of monster does something like this?” Shelby McCann asked through her tears. “The only other open seat is next to greasy hair guy.”
For 10 minutes, Chung looked on while his victims struggled in a tense game of musical chairs.
Chung’s files revealed he’s been plotting the act for months, but waited for peak seat equilibrium before making his move. This is only the latest in a series of attacks on lecture stability.
According to classmates, Chung’s been stirring up trouble all year. Senior Jasper Pyke recalled the scene he caused in week three when, with soulless eyes, Chung took his phone off silent.
“It just kept ringing and ringing. It wouldn’t stop! Make it stop!” Pyke cried, tearing at his hair.
In another act of rebellion against the capitalist machine, Chung chose the fifth week of classes to start volunteering to read aloud. Very slowly.
“I don’t know if our class will ever recover from this,” admitted Professor Krishna Stemholt. “You don’t just bounce back from something as evil as that.”
However, Chung defended his moves: “It’s time to tear down the power of the fat, capitalist bureaucracy that is higher education. As they take our money, the one power we have in this for-profit society, they prey on the hubris and ignorance of the educated. Join me, as I take back independent thought and break from the liberal bubble that lulls us into the illusion of free will. Hear me brothers and sisters! Meet under Tommy Trojan at midnight to join the fight.”
At press time, Chung remained in his seat, grinning at the chaos he had created.