By Zoë Rush
LOS ANGELES, CA — A recent study has concluded that the worst fear of most USC students is being asked their parents’ salary.
“Just because I have a summer home, a maid, a ski lodge, a G wagon and a private jet doesn’t mean I’m any different than the poor kids! I just like to keep our financial status on the down low so that I can slum it just like everyone else,” commented test subject, Marshall Majors while stuffing his $1,200 iPhone into his pocket. When Majors was asked his parents’ salary, he responded with “The real number or the one we give the IRS?”
The researchers found mixed results when students were faced with other common fears such as heights, spiders, the dark, and the feeling of existential dread that comes with wondering if you’ll ever be good enough. However, 96% of subjects also experienced an increased heart rate when filling out basic questions on the release form such as their ancestry, their middle name and the number of homeless people they’ve reported to DPS.
After much debate from the scientific community, the results of the study have been deemed inconclusive. Researchers confirmed the suspension of the study following several sizable donations made to their department.