By Levi Elias
LOS ANGELES, CA — One-time Oscar winner and long-time Oscar audience member Leonardo DiCaprio was spotted on campus today inside the Leonard Davis School Gerontology courtyard protesting against the study of aging and the elderly.
DiCaprio has paced back and forth near the Gerontology building for the past five hours and did not appear to be leaving anytime soon. “Frankly, I believe that the study of old age is truly a horrific act. Forcing students to examine the disturbing changes that the female anatomy goes through after the age of 25 will end up scarring these beautiful young minds for life,” explained DiCaprio. “Luckily, the male body does no such thing and never ages a day.” DiCaprio then pulled out a small pocket mirror, looked at himself in it while winking and making a kissy face, muttering, “Oh yeah, Leo, you still got it!”
DiCaprio came prepared with several hand-painted picket signs reading “Seniors are for High School!”, “Welcome To Jurassic Park”, and “Just Die Already You Old Hags.” He attempted to discuss his grievances with highly esteemed geriatric scientist and USC Gerontology Professor, Dr. Olga H. Penkelman PhD, but due to her old age, he was unable to maintain eye contact, and as a result he began running away. Her stench of settling down into a happy marriage was too much for DiCaprio to bear.
DiCaprio has reportedly even bribed former donors to the school of Gerontology with copious amounts of cold, hard cash in silver briefcases as a part of his twelve step plan to take down Leonard Davis and his school of wrinkled flaky skin sacks once and for all. “Students should be focusing their attention on hooking up with fellow young people, such as myself. Instead they are being subjected to this evil punishment handcrafted by a corrupt system run by people who are angry that they’re too old to get with me” claims DiCaprio.
When asked about his current fling with 27 year old model, Gigi Hadid, he became very embarrassed and admitted that he is dabbling in some geriatric studies, but it is just a research experiment and has no intention of pursuing an elderly shrew like her again.
After a long day of protesting, DiCaprio decided to enjoy the rest of his time at USC by watching an intense women’s beach volleyball game, attending a Women of Cinematic Arts meeting, and networking at a Kappa Kappa Gamma mixer.
Leonardo DiCaprio by UNClimatechange from Bonn, Germany is licensed under CC BY 2.0