Guy From Alabama Doesn’t Seem Ashamed Enough

By Bill Rockas

LOS ANGELES, CA – College freshman Earl Corlin has been introducing himself as an Alabama native with a discomforting lack of embarrassment. Rather than apologizing or rolling his eyes, Earl happily flashes his dirty, yellow smile as if he was born in Brooklyn.

Our reporter sat down to interview Earl about his problematic upbringing, and even inhaled sharply at every off putting statement. However, Earl remained unshakable. He came wearing his Crimson Tide football jersey and listed only white players as his favorites. “Everytime my guys pick up a win, I’m a Proud Boy,” Earl said, seeing nothing wrong with that.

We questioned him about other places he travels, to which Earl replied “Yeah my family always takes trips to visit my grandad out in Charlottesville”, the place where white nationalists march and nothing else happens. He then showed us pictures of the last time he visited backwater country, but in doing so there was another revelation. “Oh yeah these photos were taken back when I shaved my head. Pretty different look” he stated with no remorse behind his eyes.

Earl’s deficit of self-awareness became too much for us to bear, and it soon became very clear that Earl had never seen an individual who wasn’t white. We asked him about his interaction with broader culture to which he responded, “Yeah I’m a history buff on American presidents, Washington through Bush. I’ve seen almost every episode of Friends and I love Lynyrd Skynyrd. You think I would’ve known.” 

After some of our white liberal reporters perfectly explained racism, Earl was very understanding. He went on to become an incredibly enlightened activist and showed a real sense of growth by later messaging us with “Delete this interview. Don’t publish this. Please, I sound like a two-dimensional stereotype. PLEASE I’m begging you this will ruin me!!”