Nikias Slides Blank Check to Wealthy Alum and Asks Them To “Make Me an Offer I Can’t Refuse”

by Joey Rayburn

PASADENA, CA – Last night, President Nikias scored another substantial donation from an alum. This time, he got the dough in a full display of his powerful presence and charged aura.

Nikias met up with Donna Gourd, a graduate of USC’s elite Gerontology Department, at 2 a.m. in an empty diner just off Interstate 210 in Pasadena. “Tony owed me a favor and kept the place open for our little chat,” explained Nikias as he sat in his favorite corner booth. “I took care of his niece’s little ‘admissions’ problem last spring.” It is unclear whether ‘admissions’ was coded language or a legitimate problem that Nikias fixed.

After this introduction, Nikias spoke few words. He simply reached into his pocket, pulled out a blank check, and coyly slid it across the table. After explaining what Gourd was going to do with the check, Nikias, with his beady eyes and glistening five-head, stared her way until she obliged.

Clearly not wanting to be on Nikias’ bad side, Gourd filled out the check immediately. Once complete, she handed the check, now with instructions to pay to the order of The University of Southern California, back to Nikias. A devious smile spread across Nikias’ face.

His business seemingly done, Nikias stood up from the booth and strolled towards the exit. He left Gourd with one warning, though: “I heard your daughter is majoring in Creative Writing. Let’s keep it that way.”

And with that, Nikias disappeared into the fog, leaving little trace he had even been there to begin with.