Philosophy Major Tells Grieving Widow What She’s Going Through

By Bill Rockas

LOS ANGELES, CA – Diana Heffler, a recent widow, has exhausted multiple counseling forums, but the student program: Philosophers For Anguish was “…different,” she recalls. The system sends one undergraduate philosophy student to explain the grandest concepts to their “inferior minded client.”

The selective volunteer program only accepts those who misquote Kafka in social settings. Ms. Heffler’s contact, 19 year old Hunter Scoff, arrived in his favorite black turtleneck with an annotated copy of Infinite Jest under his arm. Out of the kindness of his own heart, Hunter did all the talking so that Diana, the pea-brained neanderthal, wouldn’t pull a muscle trying to express her feelings. 

“You don’t know loss,” Hunter said, staring wistfully out a window at a world more important than her. “I had to shave my goatee for a school play. It took six months to grow. That’s real tragedy,” Hunter kindly explained. He then laid out her obvious subconscious, sexual envy of her husband. “Freud would say that you’re hormonal. I’m not saying that, so it’s not sexist, but it is something you should consider.”

Hunter proudly states that he “really elevated her mindset.” His most valuable advice for her was to take a vow of celibacy, just like him. “Isaac Newton died a virgin. Monks take vows of silence, so I’m not that far off. Then again, it’s not easy work keeping my promise.” Hunter went on for quite some time about this while smoking from a corn cob pipe he bought with his parents’ money. 

You can see the full breadth of his genius on his Reddit page (u/debunking-god2003) or you can contact him by loudly stating “who the hell is Sartre?” into an open field.