By Josh Wolk
LOS ANGELES, CA — The CDC recently commended the Rice University student body for scoring high in purity tests and low on the football field. “A comprehensive analysis of students’ Rice Purity Tests scores indicate little-to-no bodily contact,” explained CDC Director Rochelle Walensky. “We are proud to conclude that Rice students have a COVID-19 transmission rate of literally zero due to involuntary social distancing.”
The accomplishment also extends to the performance of the Rice University football team, losing 14-66 to the USC Trojans. “The Rice defense has a tried and true strategy of not touching any players on the opposing team,” explained Coach Mike Bloomgren.