By Izzy Ster
LOS ANGELES, CA – After nine months of intensive self-discovery following a horrific breakup, local woman Nicole Hyde has realized she is not her own type.
“After Kevin RIPPED my heart out, I decided to do the one thing he never did: treat ME right!. You know, buy myself flowers, take myself out for cute dates and actually accomplish orgasms – something he really never did. But, honestly, I kind of understand why he dumped me now.”
Despite spending all of her time with herself, she often grew upset at the lack of attention she was receiving. “Like, we were hanging out all of the time and it was still not enough. If I was Kevin, I would have called me clingy and dumped me on my birthday too!”
Hyde frequently texted herself throughout the day, asking everything from “What’s the weather like outside? I’m too lazy to get up,” “Are you mad at me?” and even uttering to herself “if I wanted to, I would,” following approximately five minutes with no response. Even after taking herself to Jon and Vinny’s for “date night,” she found herself exhausted with her own constant questioning. “How am I supposed to know if I would still love myself if I was a worm? I don’t even like myself now!”
After almost a year of dating, Hyde sat herself down to explain that “it’s not me, it’s you” and that she would need all of her clothes back.
“I have no regrets,” she said. “I learned that you can only give so much of yourself to another person before it becomes too much. I am grateful to have embarked on this path of self-realization and realized how completely and utterly insufferable I am. It was truly enlightening.”
Still, the amicable split did not stop Hyde from drunk texting herself “U up?” at 3 A.M. the following Tuesday morning.