By Izzy Ster
LOS ANGELES, CA — Despite her brightly colored sweatshirt from the trendy brand (that somehow cost more than a full tank of gas for a compact), Kyleigh Goldman (like the Sachs) is actually MadDepressed.
“I, like, just CAN’T keep hiding underneath my hoodies anymore,” Goldman lamented. “It’s getting too hot in LA.” Luckily, her set came with matching shorts so she could still achieve the aesthetic requirements of the “model off-duty look” without donning the full set. “But really, I’m just sporting the ‘model off-her-antidepressants’ look.’ I mean, I wasn’t even able to cry during The Bachelorette when she sent my favorite guy home!”
After her situationship posted his actual girlfriend for National Girlfriend Day and Cal Mart ran out of Banana Ice Puff Bars, Goldman found herself feeling really down. “I think it’s probably just seasonal depression. The 90 is just so empty during the summer!”
Even after popping four Xanax to quell her “like, really bad hangxiety,” Goldman wasn’t even able to cheer herself up with Alo retail therapy either. “I honestly just feel more like a Global Pessimist these days.”