By Emily Torp
FORT WORTH, TX – An American Airlines flight to Washington, DC was diverted to New Jersey after two men began fighting on board over which Jonas brother is the hottest.
Passenger Stacy Walsh described the scene: “The one guy just started screaming ‘Joe! Joe! Joe!’ and I thought it was a heart attack or a woman going into labor. Then I heard the other guy yell ‘Are you blind? It’s obviously Nick! His ass is phenomenal!’ so I quickly realized that this was a boy band dispute and not a medical emergency.”
Other passengers on the plane credit an Air Marshall, Brian Cardinal, for ending the fight. Cardinal explained the situation to the pilot via intercom, prompting the empathetic captain to reroute the flight to New Jersey so the men on board could visit Jonas Street—the location of the brothers’ house on their hit show Jonas. The pilot said he normally only reroutes planes for weather events, bird strikes, and One Direction fanatics, but as a fellow Joe Bro fan on team Nick, he felt compelled to help.
Unfortunately, the men were too late to see the Jonas Brothers in person, as the show ended in 2010, the brothers never actually lived there, and creeps like them were on a watch list and not allowed within 200 feet of the property.
National Polling Data from Gallup has shown that Americans believe Joe to be the hottest brother, with 42% of the vote, and Nick the second hottest, with 32%. Surprisingly, Frankie, the bonus Jonas, comes in third at 24%, and Kevin comes in last with an embarrassing 2%. This poll was able to recruit over 100,000 participants, unlike the Gallup polls on foreign policy and human suffering that are lucky to recruit 5,000 participants.
However, when the question was reframed as “Who do you believe to be the most fuckable Jonas?” Frankie came in first place, and Nick and Joe tied for second. Kevin, once again, came in dead last with 1%, after surprise write-in candidate Joe Pesci claimed 15% of the vote.